


there's a hole in my soul (i can't fill it, i can't fill it)

by thesorrowoflizards



Series: dealing with the midseason finale and crying [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Alec seriously loves his boyfriend okay, Angst, Bittersweet, Good Boyfriend Alec, Hopeful Ending, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Magnus, Love, M/M, Magic Loss, Magnus-centric, Mortal Magnus, Not A Fix-It, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Sappy, Scared Magnus Bane, here you are my friends, looking for a midseason finale fic actually about magnus for once???, lowkey anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 08:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14891567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesorrowoflizards/pseuds/thesorrowoflizards
Summary: Magnus lost so much.





	there's a hole in my soul (i can't fill it, i can't fill it)

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: will you still love me when i'm no longer young and beautiful?

 

 

Now that everyone was okay _(not that magnus would ever be okay again but that didn’t matter)_ everything seemed to finally settle down.

And the weight of everything finally crashed down on Magnus’s shoulders.

His magic was gone.

His immortality was gone.

Everything. He’d lost—everything.

He’d given it all up. For Alec.

He didn’t regret it. But it hurt. So goddamn much.

He had nothing left. He was useless. Worthless.

And—he’d fought Lorenzo. It had been stupid and desperate but all he could think was _I can take him_ and then there’d been fire and—

Lorenzo was High Warlock of Brooklyn now.

_(not magnus, magnus would never be high warlock again no matter how hard he worked, he couldn’t even be a warlock)_

He could banish Magnus. If he wanted to, he could have Magnus ousted from all of North America.

Before, he could have fought it. He had the power and the influence and the respect. Or at the very least he could have hidden, glamoured himself where they’d never find him, lived under Lorenzo’s nose.

But now—now he was useless. Pathetic. Defenseless. Vulnerable.

He could be banished and he couldn’t do shit about it.

He’d never see Alec again, or at least very rarely. Their relationship would probably fall apart. He’d finally lose Alec forever, so much sooner than he’d thought.

Hell, Alec might leave him before that. He was worthless now, he wasn’t the same man. Wasn’t worthy of Alec’s love, of Alec’s sacrifices.

Magnus was on the verge of hyperventilating, thoughts spinning and spiraling down, down, down, tears burning in his eyes.

He was going to be alone. Alone.

Ragnor was dead, Raphael was gone, Catarina was busy, Alec was leaving…

He was going to be alone.

Magnus’s breath was quick and harsh.

“Magnus!”

Alec’s voice broke the daze but he couldn’t stop—couldn’t stop—

Large, warm hands on his shoulders, then a hand cupping his face gently, a soft, low voice gently coaxing him out of his panic.

_Magnus… Magnus, it’s okay. It’s okay, love. Can you focus on your breathing for me? Breath with me, okay, love?_

Love. Alec’s voice. Gentle hands. Warmth.

Magnus slowly opened his eyes. _(When had he closed them?)_

Tears were staining his cheeks. His throat ached. His vision was blurry. He felt hot. At some point, he’d sank to his knees and curled in on himself.

“Magnus?” Alec’s voice came, voice soft and relieved. His face swam into view. “Oh, thank the angel. Magnus. You okay?”

“…’m fine…” Magnus mumbled, blinking away the last of the blurs in his vision.

Alec gently pulled him to his feet and guided him to the couch. Magnus went pliantly with him.

He sniffled loudly, wiping furiously at his eyes with his hand. He raised a hand to vanish away the puffiness and apply his favorite eyeliner only for his fingers to freeze, twisted midair. Then they fell, clutching Alec’s shirt, occupying his fingers with something else.

Alec wrapped an arm around him, draped over his shoulders and gently pulling him closer. Magnus let himself droop against Alec, pressing his face to Alec’s collarbone, trying not to cry.

What if this was the last time Alec held him like this?

“What’s wrong, love?” Alec asked quietly. “I mean—is there anything I can do?”

“I might be banished,” Magnus mumbled against him.

“…what?”

“When I fought Lorenzo,” Magnus said dully, not lifting his head. “He’s the High Warlock, Alexander. He could—”

His voice broke off. He pressed his face tighter to Alec’s chest.

“…if it comes to that,” Alec said slowly, “Then I’ll stand by you.”

Magnus finally pulled away to look at Alec. His eyes were puffy and red. He looked heartbreakingly vulnerable. “Do you really think you can make a long-distance relationship work?” he asked brokenly. “No fire messages or portalling. I could never be in North America again.”

“First,” Alec said, tipping Magnus’s chin up to look him in the eyes, “We could totally make long distance work. It’d be hard, but… we love each other. And relationships take effort.” He gave a playful smile. “But secondly… Magnus, I meant I’d come with you.”

“I can’t exactly portal you back to the Institute every morning, Alexander,” Magnus said softly, looking away.

“I don’t care. I’ll quit.”

“What? No! No, you can’t do that, you’re living your dream, it’s your _life—”_

“You gave up all that for me,” Alec pointed out. “I’d do the same for you in a heartbeat.”

“Don’t… don’t do this out of some misguided sense of guilt,” Magnus said, clenching his fists and tilting his head away, physically distancing himself as if bracing for rejection. “I don’t want you to give up everything for me. I want you to be _happy.”_

“ _You_ make me happy, Magnus.”

“I’m—I’m not even the same man you fell in love with,” Magnus said helplessly. “I’m useless. It’s all gone, Alexander. I’m not even me anymore.”

“Yes, you are,” Alec said fiercely. Magnus looked up at him, startled, but he still didn’t move closer. “You’re every inch the man I fell in love with. The same kind-hearted, absurdly selfless, beautiful, clever, funny man I fell in love with. The man that makes me smile every day, the man that set me free, the man that’s done nothing but love and support me, the man who’s brilliant and gorgeous and sweet, the man who still takes my breath away.”

Magnus felt like he was frozen, hypnotized by Alec’s warm hazel eyes.

“Your magic and power isn’t all you are,” Alec said softly. “You’re _not_ useless—you’re still the most knowledgeable, intelligent, compassionate person I know. And even if you were— _somehow—_ useless, even if you could never help me again… or _would_ never, I certainly wouldn’t blame you… I would still love you. I don’t—I don’t keep you around because it’s handy… I’m with you because I love you. I love _you,_ Magnus Bane.”

Magnus flung himself forward, hugging Alec tightly, burying his face in his neck like he had before. He was shaking, once again trying not to cry but for different reasons.

Alec hugged him back tightly, holding him close.

“Wherever you go, I’ll go,” he whispered, squeezing him gently. “We can live in run-down motels if we have to. I don’t care what happens. I’m not leaving you.”

Magnus sniffled against his neck. “Money isn’t a problem,” he admitted quietly. “I have plenty saved over the years, enough for us to get by. And I still have a few apartments I bought a long time ago that have long since been paid off. It could be a lot worse.”

Alec kissed the top of his head. “We can get jobs,” he said. “I wonder what it’s like to work at… an animal shelter. I could work at an animal shelter.”

Magnus laughed, still not pulling away, and his voice was muffled. “Do you even have a birth certificate? ID? You obviously don’t have anything to put on a resume.”

“I think so,” Alec frowned. “We have to blend with mundanes sometimes, so I might?”

Magnus sighed, but it was less sad and more content. Trying to distract himself with humor. “I can’t imagine you working retail or something,” he giggled. “You’d just tell customers to fuck off.”

“You’re probably right,” Alec laughed, leaning back, Magnus still wrapped up in his arms. Magnus shifted on top of him like a big cat, curling up so he was partially sitting on Alec’s lip and partially lying across his chest, nuzzling against his neck.

They fell silent—it would have felt abrupt, but instead it just felt comfortable, Magnus seeking comfort from Alec, trying to soothe his fears of abandonment by clinging to his boyfriend and reassuring himself Alec was _still here_. That he wasn’t leaving.

“…Alec?” Magnus said softly into the silence.

“Yeah?”

Magnus stared at nothing, focusing on a random spot on the cushion underneath them. “You know how we… had that big fight? About me being immortal? You… aging and dying… and me living on?”

“……Yes,” Alec said cautiously, not knowing where this was going.

“…It wasn’t just my magic he took,” Magnus said hesitantly. He wasn’t sure if Alec had guessed yet, but he needed him to know. Before he made life-changing choices, before he made a decision he might regret.

After all, Alec was dedicating to life with a young and beautiful man who was supposed to stay with that. Not a life time. Not someone mortal.

“My magic wasn’t enough,” Magnus said bitterly. “He took my immortality, too—everything I had. Except my cat eyes. I suppose he couldn’t biologically change too much without ripping me apart… or maybe he just wanted to leave me one last, nasty little reminder.”

There was a moment. Then, absurdly, Alec said, “But your eyes have been brown.”

“Colored contacts,” Magnus said. “I couldn’t reveal my vulnerability to everyone, after all. But—if you meant it, if you still want to stay… We could grow old together.”

He sounded vulnerable, fragile, like Alec could shatter him with a word.  

Alec was silent again.

Magnus shifted, sitting up and beginning to distance himself once again.

“Alec?” he said softly, voice cracking slightly against his will. “Please say something.”

Alec sat up, too, catching his wrist and letting his hand slide down to hold Magnus’s.

The idea of his boyfriend growing old, his once-untouchable youth tarnished and ruined because of Alec, made him feel sick. But the idea of leaving him alone was worse.

“Is that what _you_ want?” Alec asked quietly. _(To spend the rest of your life with the man who’s made you lose so much?)_

“I don’t know,” Magnus admitted, choked up. “I mean—I want it with you, but I—I’m terrified, Alec. I’ve never—I’ve never even had a gray hair. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want… I don’t want to… be weak and defenseless and _ugly_ and why would you want—”

“No matter how old you get,” Alec said, gently interrupting the stream of increasingly panicked and self-deprecating words, “You’ll always be beautiful. I don’t care if you have white hair and wrinkles and a bad hip, I’ll love you.”

Magnus swallowed, hand twitching in Alec’s. “You know I feel the same about you, right?” he whispered, looking up at Alec.

“Yeah,” Alec said softly, smiling. “I do, Magnus.”

Magnus had such a big heart. That Alec had never doubted—and he hadn’t doubted how Magnus would feel once he grew old. He’d worried about hurting Magnus, yes, but not about whether Magnus would still love him. He’d always known Magnus would still love him—that’s why it would hurt him.

Alec tugged Magnus closer and hugged him again.

Magnus sighed contently and relaxed in his arms, hugging back and enjoying Alec’s arms around him. “I love you,” he said, soft but sure by Alec’s ear.

“I love you, too,” Alec said, hands coming up to cradle his head and stroke through his hair, holding him close. “I’d be honored to spend the rest of our lives together.”

The thought of them growing old together was—selfishly nice.

Alec felt guilty that he liked the idea, but he did—growing old together instead of watching himself wither away while Magnus remained young and chained to him. And settling down together, away from the chaos of New York, getting married, maybe starting a family. Retiring. Being happy.

He’d rather have found a way to join Magnus, to find a way to live for him rather than have Magnus die for him. But for now, this was how it was—Magnus, curled up in his arms and scared of the unknown future, and a whole new life they had ahead of them.

They’d face the future together.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> title from "flaws" by bastille 
> 
> look,,, i am so Goddamned Pissed Off that there are practically zero (0) fics actually about magnus after that fuckin finale. like there are a gazillion thousand about alec and the lightwoods, whether it be the arrow in alec's chest or jace being the owl or whatever the fuck, but usually magnus's HUGE ASS LOSS gets like, one line. if it's mentioned at all. i've read multiple fics wherein alec's/izzy's/whatever's reaction to finding out magnus GAVE UP HIS GODDAMN MAGIC is just "thanks!" he said happily like ???????? ha p p i l y?? ? ?? ? f u c k k k yo u ? ?? ?? ? ?  
> magnus LOST HIS MAGIC after all the other goddamn shit he lost,,, he gave up his fuckign magic for alec and everyone is just like. they don't go care?? like.  
> everyone, literally Goddamn Everyone, both the fans and the characters, take magnus for granted and does magnus get anything back?? any sacrifice back??? okay there is SOME because alec def does love him but it's nowhere NEAR the same magnitude. and i'm not saying alec should have to give everything up i'm just Mad that it only seems to be magnus who's really suffering. (not that alec has gone through No Trauma, just... his trauma is acknowledged and people write a thousand billion meta and fics on it and he's comforted by other characters and generally actually gets the treatment he deserves while magnus is just There For Everyone Else.  
> (i feel like this isn't worded well but look i am just Emotional okay.)  
> an YWAYS i am Super Mad at how y'all out there have reacted to this (except for you, people who can't write but appreciate magnus and acknowledge his sacrifices, and you, very rare authors who actually wrote something about magnus in the aftermath of the finale. y'all are doing great and we're happy to have to have you here, you absolute angels.)  
> (also: to be clear i'm not blaming alec as a character or like, every fic writer out there or anything. writing an alec-centric fic doesn't make you a bad person or anything. i'm just really frustrated with the lack of practically anything magnus-centric.)
> 
> okay there's a smutty sequel to this with a highkey unrealistic fix-it because i need some more comfort  
> but i'll have a more realistic fix-it up... hopefully sometime soon? 
> 
> and of course the next chapter of trouble is almost done... and i'm working on the next installment of sealed (with a kiss).... as well as some other shit... wow i have Too Many Things and here i am writing more shit anyway


End file.
